My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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