walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
