pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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