I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
