If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
