Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
