i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize