sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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