is wine microwaveable?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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