yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
