I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
