i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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