Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I want a musical about memes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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