Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
