Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
