if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
