I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
