he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
