arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize