wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
