Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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