my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
