Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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