Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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