you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
