im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
