A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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