It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
