I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
