You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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