Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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