I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
