eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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