some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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