dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
