dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize