you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
