i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
