I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Gay?
German.
Pity.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
