I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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