i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
