yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
