Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
