im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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