you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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