omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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