i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
