Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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