it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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