Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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