Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
