So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
