I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
