You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
