My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize