He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
