sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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