porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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