SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
